If you are already equipped for sex appeal in the future you better start learning the risks involved in being a run-of-the-mill human. Robots and lasers aren’t that scary. I can tell you what’s scary is ‘The Ultimate Humanoid.’ All things humans don’t really need have been eliminated and all things humans were lacking have been added. I don’t know whether to be pleased or feel terrible that I have such a clear insight on the future. Arm yourself, he has.
There comes a time in every man’s life when he needs to settle down. Everyone has their needs and I have come to realize that mine aren’t unique. Sure, I once was attracted to anorexic waifs but I am a man of the future. In the future things are plenty different. For one: zombies, aliens, vampires and werewolves roam about generally being destroyed at all costs until a heart-felt human sees their inner beauty. This stuff is constantly happening in the future and if I have any chance of becoming part of this I better start reading up.
If you are in-the-know you are aware that the world is ending in 2012. Which can only mean that all these nether-world encounters should really start happening soon. Luckily for me there are handy Paranormal Dating Mauals for the genesis of my romance. If you are looking to join the (obvious) new wave of love check out any book store and beat the rush. 2011 is just around the corner.
The economy sucks; we all know it. Get rid of your cell phone and buy a box of these jammers. You can avoid cell phone bills, cramped hands, and embarrassing late night texts. Pass one on or drop one in the mail with a stamp stuck to it, the postman will know where it goes. Seriously, have you ever received a text so sweet you wanted to put it in your mouth? YOU CAN NOW! And these wont make you fat like the ones you get from Verizon because they are fat free. They are way tastier than Sam’s KFC.
EAT. TEXT. EAT. TEXT. EAT. TEXT. TEXT. SMSoogood!
You know what has never happened, not once ever in the history of the world?
Never has anyone with a pet bird heard, “Cool bird, I wish I had one!”
That is because there is not one single plus side to owning a bird. Keeping an animal that is capable of three dimensional travel trapped in a tiny white cage (most often in the dining room for some gross reason) not only seems cruel but is also unbelievably stupid and/or gross. They scream, bird shit smells like a bag of smashed assholes, and if you try to touch them they’ll bite your fucking finger off. I don’t blame them for the last part at all. Imagine if your entire life consisted of living in a tiny white prison watching a family choke down chicken dinner after chicken dinner with nothing but a mirror and a rock to keep you company. The only thing you could possibly look forward to after being robbed of the gift of flight is the opportunity to maim a finger. Personally I’d try and gouge an eye or two, but something tells me if birds were capable of this kind of ruthless behavior we would have stopped capturing them a long time ago.
So, basically owning a bird is not only obtrusive and gross, but it also makes you a dick. There are a few exceptions to this point and I’ve gone to the trouble of including a semi-helpful bird ownership flow chart after the jump.
Hey your mom has a pair, your shitty next door neighbor has a pair, and you probably have a knockoff pair you wear around the backyard. But just having a pair of magic floating shoes made out of Styrofoam isn’t enough? Well don’t worry now you can humiliate your shitty dog with a CROC brand dog bed. Thank god dogs don’t have a sense of shame. Oh shit, they do? Well then I hope your ass gets mauled then.
Chuk, Sam, Angie and I decided to swim after sucking up all of the party favors in Columbus off of Sam’s floor. I packed up my swim trunks and a dish towel and hit the road. We failed miserably at our first attempt at relaxation by jumping into a green pool filled seemingly with razor blades. Ask Angie’s foot. Anyways, time warp to Alum Creek Beach. It is filled with rocks shaped like states. You know the rest about swimming. It is Sunday again and we are going today as well. I love you Mr. Alum.
holy shit. ART
Meet Paul Vasquez, he was just an ordinary guy with rainbow on the brain. What could be better than walkin’ around thinking about rainbows all day? Nothing. Life was good. Then the double rainbow appeared. He never saw things in the same light. Poor Paul.
I don’t understand the magic of mixed media posts..so view this if you live in the double rainbow hole.
Nevermind that it looks like pee and isn’t actually healthy, the Carrie Underwood Vitamin Water is a sweet treat that cannot be beat, literally. I was telling Chuk the other day how excited I was that Vitamin Waters were a dollar each at Kroger and he explained “That’s because they just lost a lawsuit and had to admit it’s not actually a health drink.” Works for me. I bought seven and I hope they’re still on sale when I go back, because I can’t stop drinking this sweet, sweet peepee. Praise His tropical name.